How to Hold a Knife and Fork
Where table manners come from, and which ones matter today
Table manners are designed to disguise the fact that you’re eating. Once you understand this paradox, the rest makes sense.
I wrote last week about working in a Michelin-starred restaurant. During my time there, I learned all sorts of weird and arcane table manners. Don’t swirl your wine. Tear the bread rather than cutting it. Fold your napkin with the crease facing you. These details might matter when dining with the Queen, but in most environments literally no one notices or cares. What matters most are the macro questions: Are you clean? Are you kind?
These questions form the foundation of all dining etiquette. Examine any rule, and you'll find its basic function is to prevent contamination (“are you clean?”) and violence (“are you kind?”).
I used to think most table manners were fussy and meaningless, but with a dash of social anthropology, a clear system emerges. When I saw the internal logic in table manners, I became less resistant and more willing to understand their value. Maybe the same will be true for you, stick with me.
The violence of dinner
Historian Margaret Visser writes that table manners are “a system of civilized taboos” that reduce tension and protect us from danger.
There is an inherent tension at the dinner table. You, as an individual, are hungry. But you, as a member of a social group, must share resources to get your needs met. Thus the tools and rituals of the table are designed to distance us from our potentially violent, animalistic state.
First, the danger of contamination. A majority of table etiquette is related to cleanliness taboos. Before there was germ theory, there was netilat yadayim, Jewish ritual hand washing. Roman elites were known to use mappa, personal linen napkins. Keeping clean has been the basic function of social norms since the beginning of human civilization. These days, you can see this influence in rules like: Don’t touch your hair. Don’t double dip. Don’t lick your knife (if you were to cut your tongue, bleeding would be quite unsanitary).
Outside of hygiene, you can find cleanliness themes in rules like keeping your elbows off the table. This prevents you from jostling the table or toppling something over. “Don’t gesticulate with your fork” prevents flinging food onto someone. Asking to pass the salt, rather than reaching for it, ensures you don’t drag your sleeve in the sauce.
Cleanliness of appearance is equally crucial. Don’t chew with your mouth open. No picking your teeth. No dribbling sauce into your beard. No gulping or groaning. No one wants to be reminded that what goes in must eventually come out.
Second, the danger of violence. “At table we are both armed and vulnerable,” Visser writes. “For this is the theme that underlies all table manners: we may be slicing and chewing...attending to the most ‘animal’ of our needs; but we do so with control, order, and regularity.”
Table manners are prescriptive because we need predictability when eating. Unexpected behavior could be seen as antisocial or aggressive. Don’t hold your knife and fork in your fists like weapons. Don’t point your knife at anyone. Don’t grind it against the plate. Utensils—tools for stabbing and spearing—need to be wielded with precision and grace to signal self-control and benevolent intent.
Teeth, too, could be considered a threatening display. Laughing too loudly is frowned upon, Visser writes, for exactly this reason: “Table manners commonly forbid belly-laughs, partly because uproarious mirth is expressed by the baring of teeth.”
With these shared rituals, we elevate the meal from a potentially chaotic, threatening experience to a controlled, harmonious one. Once safety is established, the principle of “is it kind?” can follow. Serve others before helping yourself. Wait until everyone has their food before eating. Bring your hostess a small gift as a token of appreciation. These small acts transform the dinner table into a safe, communal space of mutual care and nourishment.
When to break the rules
Once you understand the first principles of table manners, you can then discern which rules apply to your life or not. I’ve repeated this phrase many times during this series, but you gotta know the rules before you can break them.
Some table manners are vestigial rituals that can be discarded. “Don’t cut lettuce with a knife,” for example. Early knives were made out of carbon steel, so the knife would transfer the metallic taste to delicate foods like lettuce or fish. To prevent this, lettuce was torn into small pieces during the salad preparation in the kitchen. And only silver-plated “fish knives” were used to filet the trout. It would be silly to adhere to this rule now that we have stainless steel flatware, especially when served a wedge salad.
The table manners that really matter have origins in cleanliness or kindness. It’s okay to let the others go.
Because, fundamentally, table manners are a disguise. They impose order, self-restraint, cleanliness, and generosity over our animal instincts to aggressively tear into the meat or jealously fight over the largest portion. In doing so, etiquette gives us a shared language of cleanliness and care.
When we are safe from the mess and violence of eating, we can actually enjoy the food.
In the spirit of knowing the rules, let’s make them explicit. Here is a list of table manners I’ve collected from authoritative sources as well as my own experience in fine dining.
Some of these will seem like common sense, but many people don’t know the basics. This is likely an incomplete list. Please leave a comment with what I missed!
Hygiene
Don’t touch your hair too much.
Don't reapply makeup at the table (including lipstick and lipgloss).
Wash your hands before sitting down, and/or arrive with clean hands and nails.
Don’t cough or sneeze without covering your nose and mouth, ideally with a tissue, not your dinner napkin.
Mouth stuff
Don't chew with your mouth open.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
No slurping, gulping, burping, or smacking sounds.
If you have a beard or mustache, wipe your mouth frequently with your napkin.
Don't pick your teeth. If you have something stuck, excuse yourself to the restroom.
Take small bites.
This makes it easier to chew with your mouth closed, and easier to participate in conversation (see “don’t talk with your mouth full”) plus, reduces risk of coughing or choking (don’t die at dinner).
Finish chewing completely before taking a drink.
Clothing and napkin
Place napkin unfolded in your lap; don't tuck it into your collar or shirt.
Unbutton your sport coat when seated.
Keep your tie properly positioned (with a tie bar, or tucked into your shirt) and away from your plate.
Don’t put your soiled/crumpled napkin on the table while eating, keep it in your lap.
When leaving the table temporarily, fold napkin loosely and place it beside your plate.
Other option: place it on the chair, so long as it’s not covered in food that will transfer.
Utensils and plates
Two ways to hold your fork and knife:
European style: Hold fork in non-dominant hand to stabilize food while cutting with dominant hand. Use knife to push food onto fork tines. Lift the fork to eat with tines facing down.
American style: Hold fork in non-dominant hand to stabilize food while cutting with dominant hand. Then, set knife down and switch fork to dominant hand to eat, tines facing up.
Cut only one piece of food at a time.
Cutting a whole steak into many pieces, for example, releases all the juice and makes it cool down faster. Unless you're a parent cutting food for a child, don’t do this.
Don’t shove the whole utensil in your mouth.
Don’t drag your teeth along the tines of the fork.
Don’t eat off the tip or blade of the knife.
Don’t lick your knife.
Between bites: Rest knife on the edge of your plate, not on the table or tablecloth.
Finished eating: Place utensils tidily side-by-side on your plate, never on the table.
Some guides say to place them “parallel to each other at 4 o'clock position” but there’s a lot of variations, and it doesn’t matter much.
Don't gesture with utensils.
Position your plate at a comfortable distance to avoid spilling on the table in front of you.
Don't stack dirty plates.
Wait for everyone to finish before clearing plates.
Respectfulness
Wait until at least two other people have been served before beginning to eat.
In a large group you do not need to wait until everyone is served, it’s rude to the chef to let good food get cold.
If you arrive first, stand to greet other guests when they arrive.
Arriving on time:
When meeting friends: 10-15 minute grace period (obviously depends on your friendship)
When meeting work colleagues: arrive on time
When meeting your boss or funder: arrive early
Serve others before yourself.
For a communal carafe of water or shared bottle of wine: top up the other glasses before refilling your own.
For shared dishes:
Offer to others before serving yourself
Pass items to the right
Present serving utensils handle-first to the next person
Don't reach across the table; ask for items to be passed.
Be kind to your server.
Tip generously.
If you’re invited for dinner at someone’s home, don’t arrive empty-handed.
Ask the host what you can bring, even if they say “nothing” bring a small gift (bottle of wine, bouquet of flowers).
Keep your smartphone off the table and set to silent or vibrate.
But wait…what about splitting the bill? Stay tuned for Venmo etiquette, coming soon.
You’re reading Season 3 of The Ick. The social rulebook has been rewritten in our post-pandemic world—and it's left us wondering, “Am I doing this right?” Season 3 of The Ick is creating a modern field guide to social etiquette and decoding the hidden architecture of human connection. Subscribe here. Find season 1: embarrassing stories here, and season 2: the five senses here.
Sources
Top 10 Must Know Table Manners, Emily Post Institute
Modern Etiquette, Vogue, 2015
The New Rules for How to Behave, The Cut, 2023
The Rituals of Dinner: The Origins, Evolution, Eccentricities, and Meaning of Table Manners, Margaret Visser, 1991
And for the love of god please avoid blowing your nose at the table at all costs... as well as telling stories or topics of conversation related to bodily functions.
Etiquette pet peeve is when restaurants don't set you up for success by giving you bowls, plates, and utensil that cannot properly/stably be perched in their resting position. Also chopsticks should always be placed at rest on either a chopstick holder or with two points of contact on your bowl, never resting the ends on your food.
“Don’t die at dinner” lol How wude!