How to Ghost
The modern break-up protocol
In 2015, a Thought Catalog article proclaimed, “Ghosting is just how we do it now.”
According to writer Heidi Priebe, “I ghosted the guy I wasn’t feeling, and I slept fine at night,” because ghosting was simply “the modern break-up protocol.” She felt this way—until someone ghosted her.
Ghosting feels easy when you’re the one disappearing. But being ghosted? It’s a heartbreak that feels distinctly modern, and oddly timeless.
You can tell a lot about a society by their ghosts. Hamlet’s father, Heathcliff’s Catherine, Morrison’s Beloved. They’re mirrors for what society is struggling to reconcile—death, regret, injustice. Ghosting as a new social habit says a lot about us in the 21st century. It’s a behavior tied to our collective anxieties about connection and confrontation.
If you’re going to ghost someone—and you will, if you haven’t already—here are the new rules to follow.
How Did We Get Here?
But first, how did we get here? Three technological breakthroughs put us on a course to ghosting: SMS, iPhones, and Tinder.
Before there was texting, there were landlines and answering machines. The expectation was that you’d call back when convenient—delays were socially acceptable. The short message service (SMS) emerged alongside the cellphone in the mid-1990s, gaining widespread use in the early 2000s. Texting shortened the acceptable response time. Instead of the singular event of a phone call, texting allowed casual, bite-sized exchanges at higher frequencies.
The 2007 release of the iPhone, and the critical mass adoption of smartphones only five years later, completely rewrote communication norms. Read receipts, typing indicators, and 24/7 internet access made us accessible at all times. This “always-on” expectation quickly became intolerable. It was too stressful, and we were resentful. As a collective cope we began developing avoidance behaviors.
When Tinder debuted in 2012, it completely disrupted online dating. Before the apps, OkCupid and Match.com had in-depth personal profiles and long questionnaires that prioritized compatibility. Tinder prioritized volume. The algorithm encouraged rapid, low-investment interactions. And it felt great—an endless stream of potential matches. But the more options we were served, the less valuable each individual connection became.
This keep-your-options-open mindset eroded social trust. Dating app users (which is now 53% of people under 30 in the U.S.) behave as if dating is a cruel zero-sum game. If you focus too much energy on one match, you might "lose" the opportunity to explore others. As Priebe admitted in 2015, the only way to protect yourself from the pain of ghosting was to “always have one foot out the door”.
The New Cultural Code
So here’s our new reality: Anonymity and lack of accountability make disappearing easy, and in the context of modern dating, it’s assumed that most people are juggling multiple situationships at once.
Ghosting is a tool you can use to navigate this complex social terrain. But ghosting is only acceptable when it spares both parties unnecessary suffering, it’s not a license to treat people as disposable.
Respecting someone’s time and emotional investment is key. Combat the inhumanity and anonymity of online dating with authenticity and clarity. The new social mores of ghosting recognize that while it’s acceptable under certain conditions, ghosting should not be used to avoid all confrontation or escape difficult conversations.
Types of Ghost
A primer of all the ghosts you may encounter. With help from TikTok.
Classic ghost
Abruptly cutting off all communication without explanation. No response to texts, calls, or messages. Immediate and total disappearance, leaving you at best puzzled, at worst obsessed.
Soft ghost
Person interacts superficially (e.g., liking posts, watching your IG stories) without responding directly to your messages
“Breadcrumbing” “paperclipping”
Alternating between ghosting and brief reappearances. Sporadic messages that rekindle hope, followed by long periods of silence; creates a confusing cycle of engagement and disappearance.
Mutual ghost
You both don’t respond.
Slow fade / fizzle / “gradual ghost”
A slow reduction in communication over time until the connection fizzles out. Responses become infrequent, shorter, and less engaging. The ghost eventually stops initiating at all.
When to Ghost
DON’T Ghost If...
You have mutual friends or share a social circle.
Don’t sabotage yourself by making future social situations awkward. A run-in will happen eventually if you share a friend group. Your friends don’t want to reorganize every gathering because you couldn’t have an honest conversation about your feelings.
The person explicitly asks for closure.
Don’t be cruel. If they reach out asking what happened, or inviting you out again, it’s time to let them down easy. (see scripts below)
There’s a significant connection (e.g., multiple dates and meaningful conversations).
If there was a real spark between you, but ultimately your feelings changed, you must let them know. Yes, it might hurt them to hear that you’re more interested in someone else, you got back with your ex, or their floor mattress gave you the ick—but you must tell them gently and clearly, and let them move on.
DO Ghost If...
You’ve only exchanged messages on an app.
Ghosting is acceptable if you’ve only exchanged a few messages. If neither of you have invested a ton of time, you can disappear.
If you’ve texted extensively but they continue to evade an in-person meet-up, or disappear and reappear on the app, or otherwise waste your time, then leave the conversation when you’re fed up. You don’t owe them an explanation.
The person made you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
These are grounds for a hard block. Unmatch and block on all platforms. No explanation needed. Stay safe out there.
You’ve met just once or twice, and there’s no mutual interest.
There’s a “three date” consensus in pro-ghosting discourse. Many agree that if you’ve been on three or fewer dates it’s fine to ghost. I feel that’s too lenient. What if those three dates were emotionally deep? What if that’s three dates over many weeks with lots of texting? That’s a lot of emotional labor that deserves clear closure.
My revised rule is this: if the first dates (up to two maximum) are awkward and no one feels the spark, it’s okay to mutually ghost. If you don’t follow up after the date and neither do they, then silence is golden.
As this interviewee says on TikTok, “It’s so insulting to get a whole paragraph about why he didn’t like you after two dates. Just ghost me.”
However, if they break the silence and follow up, see rule 2 above.
Scripts for Not Ghosting
When you’re just not feeling it, but they follow up for another date, it’s time to let them down easy. Do the right thing, and give them clarity. Yes, it would be easier to ghost, but it would be more mature and merciful to be direct. Here are some prompts to use:
Friendzone
“Hey, I really love spending time with you, but I don’t feel a romantic connection. I’d still love to hang out as friends. Come with me to run club next week?”
Gentle let down
"It has been great getting to know you, but I don't think I feel a connection. I think you’re great and wish you the best of luck."
Straight talk
“Hey, I want to be honest, I don’t think this is a good fit for me. I wish you the best and it was great meeting you. Take care.”
How to End the Cycle
As dating app users, we've grown tolerant of people taking the easy way out, and it's corroding our ability to trust each other.
Like Catherine haunting Heathcliff, or Beloved haunting Sethe, ghosts force us to confront the most difficult parts of our personal and collective histories. In this era of endless algorithmic matches, we're haunted by the technologies that promised to bring us closer.
Our ghosts want to know: Can we treat others—and ourselves—with the accountability and respect that meaningful relationships demand?
Ultimately, to find what you're looking for, you must be clear about what does and doesn't work for you. This involves confrontation. This involves rejecting and being rejected. It's uncomfortable, yes, but that's a part of being an adult. If you escape every confrontation by ghosting, you will continue to be haunted by a cycle of emotional avoidance.
The modern break-up protocol may include ghosting, but not as the default. If we want to rebuild trust, we must choose empathy over escape.
Further reading:
From dating coach Grace Lee: The New Rules of Ghosting
From writer Rachel Cohn, an interview with the man who ghosted her: What Happened!? Vol. 1
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Interesting. I've been in similar situations and if I ever try again these will be quite helpful. Thank you!
Obsessed